my heart is getting tired..

..of circles spinning.  all the things that we started are never ending.


i absolutely suck at blogging.  probably because i know everyone that reads this also sees my facebook page.  i have no new pictures to show today.. just some rants.

after spending all of january in nebraksa falling in love with my niece i came home a little sad.  but after about two days life moved on and i was glad to be home.  im still glad to be home.  i have re-settled into my home.  the house is almost completely set up how i want it.  when it is all the way set up i will have photos to share.  anya isnt mad at me any more and echo will even sit on my lap at night now.  i have started to become comfortable with the area, my doctors, our ward, my life.  for the most part.

today however has been hard for me.  i have been sick for several weeks now and it keeps getting worse.  i ran out of anxiety meds four days ago and am starting to feel that.  the reality of my leaving again in ten days for five more weeks has hit me.. just now.  i love my niece and my sister.  but i dont want to go back for five weeks.  i dont want to miss easter and my birthday.  i dont want to figure out my health issues without the help of my specialists.  i dont want to have to leave sadie again when i come home either.  i just want to stay here.  and paint robots or cats on the walls and start my own life.

i wish our house in utah would sell.  we are barely scraping by with it.  i wish michaels car hadnt decided to break down this week.  i  wish my students loans hadnt decided to take me off deferment way before i was last told they were going to and that i had been told before i was 90 days past due.  i wish my crafts would sell.  i know people like them.  i wish gas wasnt $4 a gallon and that an oil change wasnt too much money for us.  i wish i had some friends.  i wish i could get a tattoo today.

i just wish...